3/11/2023 0 Comments Mymind blogOnce, the feeling of anxiety was unfamiliar to me. I wonder if I'm going to have a heart-attack this time. I feel my body burning as the emotion is released. When the anxiety is finally released, usually under the safety of my car or my duvet, or in the company of someone I trust, my whole body shakes. I have to suppress it though, because releasing this anxiety gets in the way of me functioning. I don't just feel anxious in response to events, the anxiety is there before the event, dictating my perception, interpretation and response. Five minutes later, I receive a text back. You imagine your heart-rate is half the speed that it is and force yourself to take deep breaths to remind yourself everything is okay.Įxcept, is everything okay? Or is there a reason my friend hasn't replied to my text? Has something awful happened? Is she dead? Before I know it, I'm in floods of tears because I know something bad has happened. You imagine chains tying your ankles to the ground so your legs can't bob up and down. When your own brain rips apart your self-esteem, telling you that everything you do isn't good enough and that you're letting people down with each action you take, there's little hope of convincing yourself otherwise. Sometimes I can barely keep my eyelids open because of how desperately I need an escape from my own mind. It's not just physical exhaustion though. My feet and hands are weak from the repeated pins and needles. My head pounds from the speed of the thoughts smashing against my skull. My stomach does somersaults thousands of times a day. The storm of anxiety inside me physically hurts. Because it's never quite enough to settle the storm. When I'm given it, it calms the torrent of anxiety within me for moments before it returns, demanding more. I can't trust my own recollection of events because anxiety distorts my memories, always painting me as the bad guy even when constant reassurance from loved ones tells me otherwise. I don't know what it's like to not be at war with my mind. I don't know what life is like without anxiety as a companion. It's a feeling that lives within me that I can't quite describe.
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